Interview with the Vampyre By Andrew Wells
by RedDwarfette
Summary: Andrew interviews Spike in an attempt to find out more about the nature of the vampyre. Season 7.
1. Beginnings

**Summary:** Andrew interviews Spike in an attempt to find out more about the nature of the vampyre. Season 7.

**AN:** Inspired by the style of Anne Rice novels _Interview with a Vampire_ & _The Vampire Lestat_ as well as the BtVS Ep. _Storytelle_r.

**Disclaimer: **The characters of BtVS are the property of Joss Whedon, Fox & UPN. The only thing I claim is that I wrote this.

**Interview with the Vampyre**

**by Andrew Wells**

_I am the interviewer Andrew. I am mortal. More or less. I live in the light of the sun, except I burn if I'm not wearing heavy duty sunscreen, so I try not to go out often. But I am charged, gentle reader, with a mission. To enter the landscape of the supernatural and uncover the sinister secrets of those who must not be named. Yes, it is them I speak of. Nosferatu. Dark stalkers of the innocent, drinkers of life, sometimes chained by the cold hard technology of man yet never tamed. Do not be afraid of what you might hear or witness, for I will be at your side, and together we shall cross the threshold into the night god's ebony-_

'What the hell do you think you're doing?'

'Huh?' Andrew shaken out of his poetic musings stopped writing.

'I said,' Spike growled, 'What the hell do you think you're doing?'

'Oh, um, Buffy said that if I wanted a truly authentic understanding of the Slayers mission, I must first understand what she heroically stands against. You know vampyres and all that?' Andrew said in a gush.

Spike cocked his eyebrow, 'And?'

'Well, being a vampyre, Spike, I feel that you are the most qualified to answer my questions.'

'Right, slayer wants some time out from your whining and I get the job of babysitting.'

'Um, no. This will be an important reference for the generations of Slayers that will follow after Buffy, with their mystical birthright driving them ever onwards to a life of selfless sacrifice.'

Andrew fidgeted under Spike's stare.

'And I kinda exploded some stuff in the kitchen. The potentials are it cleaning up. Also, Anya threatened to make my Klingon dictionary disappear into a dimension without shrimp if I didn't leave.'

'So you're here 'cause?'

'Well, you're the only vampyre I know that wouldn't bite me.'

'Oh, I so would bite you given half the chance,' Spike muttered around his cigarette, 'If only to stop you from saying vamp-pyre again.'

'Plus, you're like related to loads of other vampyres. And you know the Slayer intimately. Not that I saw anything, just that time with you and Anya on the…' at Spikes glare Andrew rushed on, 'I mean, you've been both sides of the Good Vs Evil fence like Anakin Skywalker, so you can offer a unique view. So… will you do it?' Andrew held his breath in expectation.

'Alright, if you'll shut your gob for five seconds I'll answer you.'

Andrew frowned then coughed as Spike accidentally blew smoke directly into his face.

'Right, let's get this show on the road.'


	2. Issues

**Summary:** Andrew interviews Spike in an attempt to find out more about the nature of the vampyre. Season 7.

**AN:** Inspired by the style of Anne Rice novels _Interview with a Vampire_ & _The Vampire Lestat_ as well as the BtVS Ep. _Storytelle_r.

**Disclaimer: **The characters of BtVS are the property of Joss Whedon, Fox & UPN.

**Interview with the Vampyre**

**by Andrew Wells**

_The vampyre is a creature of paradox. Their day is night. Their night is day. It can be very confusing to think about sometimes. The being in front of me was such an animal. His instincts were dark yet his appearance was closer to the light. Maybe it was his recent seeking of redemption or the high voltage light bulb above him but gentle reader I could sense a change within this vampyre that set him apart from others. But I digress, a vampyres instinct is to hunt, destroy and suck the life out of the living, like hunting, destructive, sucking force. At any moment the inherent viciousness could erupt and I could become the vampyres prey, strangled with the Punky Brewster bed sheets stacked on the washing machine in the corner or beaten with my own camera, or even-_

'Well?' Spike said with a bored voice.

'Oh, yes,' Andrew firmly brought his mind back to the task at hand, 'I have taken the liberty to prepare a few questions.'

Andrew opened his notebook, flicking past various sketches of the Enterprise and one of a semi-nude princess Leia to arrive at the prepared questions. Spike began to drum his fingers slowly on the table.

'Ah, here's one: When human, did you ever feel the lure of the dark ones calling incessantly for you to come and join them on the monkey bars in the playground of evil?'

'What kind of question is that?'

'It's ah, a valid enquiry, Spike. And as the interviewer I chose the questions asked.'

'Whatever. You mean like those hypnotic Sheila's Drac's always hanging out with?'

Andrew blinked, 'Um, yes.'

'Nope.'

'Can you be a bit more descriptive?' said Andrew squirming in his chair.

'And come out looking like a right wanker? No.'

'I'm sensing some general unreceptive-ness here, Spike.'

Spikes fingers drummed faster and faster at Andrews's statement.

'Okay, then.'

Andrew turned and addressed the camera, 'The vampyre appears to have unresolved issues relating to his human life. Slayers of the future take note: these issues could be directly related to the crankiness typical of the vampyre species.'

'I don't bloody well have issues,' Spike yelled.

'From my experience of contemporary films and sitcoms, um, I feel qualified to say that any reluctance to divulge said issues are often related to feelings of inadequacy…' Andrew told the camera.

'I am not inadequate.' Spike roared.

'…and may in fact be a result of, um, problems with the mother. The big board is upstairs so I can't really draw a diagram for you but the point is; know your enemy and their weaknesses. Subsequent investigation into the field of vampyre psychiatry, psychotherapy, or… anything starting with psych, is warranted. Unfortunately we're kinda busy with fighting off the root of all evil at the moment, so maybe my descendents in the future can look into it."

Spike slammed his fist on the table.

'Don't you say another word about my mum! And you, you are not gonna have descendents or a head either, if you don't shut your flapping yap, right now.'

Overhead footsteps approached the basement door.

'Spike?' Buffy's voice called out, 'You alright? Did you kill Andrew?'

Spike took an unnecessary breath and slumped into his chair, 'No, luv. Maybe next time.'

Buffy's footsteps retreated.

Andrew made a few points on his notebook before wondering why Buffy's voice had sounded almost hopeful at the thought of his demise.


	3. Family

**Summary:** Andrew interviews Spike in an attempt to find out more about the nature of the vampyre. Season 7.

**AN:** Inspired by the style of Anne Rice novels _Interview with a Vampire_ & _The Vampire Lestat_ as well as the BtVS Ep. _Storytelle_r.

**Disclaimer: **The characters of BtVS are the property of Joss Whedon, Fox & UPN.

**Interview with the Vampyre**

**by Andrew Wells**

_Vampyres are rarely seen without a clan, be it family pack or a gang of minions. I am not sure why this is so. Maybe their unholy bonds forged in the blood of innocents refuses to allow them a solitary existence. Or maybe they get bored during the day without someone to talk to. Either way, a vampyre is tied to the ones who made them and the children of the night that they created. The demon in front of me was once part of such a family. A deadly trio, plus one, if you will. You made have heard of them, no? I am speaking of the Scourge of Europe. Many tremble in fear at their demonic deeds. Regrettably, I am still a little puzzled over what their deeds were as an unfortunate accident forced me to stop reading of their exploits. However, Mr. Giles assured me that I would begin to know them personally if I ever spilt soda on his watcher chronicles again- _

'Passions rules the vampyre. Passion for blood. Passion for destruction. Passion to pick on those smaller and less toned than them. Passion for-'

'Friggin' hell, will you cut that out?'

Andrew paused.

'Sound like bleedin' Angelus on another power trip. Look at me, I can string a sentence together, listen to me dribble on and on, admire my, oh so sexy voice,' Spike stopped his tirade with an awkward grimace, 'and all that rot.'

'Um, perhaps now is the time to receive some insight into the structure of vampyre relationships.'

Andrew turned away from the camera and faced Spike.

'Tell us, your faithful interviewer and future audiences, about your relationship to the evil vampyre Angelus?'

'The poof? Right well, he was turned by her royal highness, Darla, the former street walker-'

'Note the vampyres use of sarcasm when speaking of elders.'

'Anyway," Spike continued, 'They were murder, mayhem and tragic hair, the latter mainly due to Angelus, for eighty years or thereabouts till they saw my dark princess. They made her mad before turning her and then, a couple of decades later she made me a vampire.'

'Ah, the vampyres voice takes on a wistful tone when referring to his 'dark princess' and former paramour, um, Drusilla. Perhaps remembering happier times. Or bloodier ones, I can't be sure.'

Spike ran a hand through his hair, 'The next twenty years or so weren't no bed of roses but we survived and when Angelus left-"

'Angelus, I'm assuming was the Alfalfa male of the group?' Andrew asked.

'That's Alpha, dimwit.'

'Ahem,' Andrew coughed at the correction, 'I seem to have some thing stuck in my throat. As I was saying, Angelus was the Alpha male?'

Spike nodded, 'He had Darla over him like a bitch in heat and Dru, well, she couldn't help it. Bond with the sire's hard to break.'

'I see. Future slayers, be aware that the emphasis on the sire bond needs to be examined in further detail for possible vulnerabilities. Can you tell us what happened to Angelus?'

'Yeah, ate a gypsy girl and her clan cursed him with a soul. Turned him into an even bigger poofter than he was before, if that's possible,' Spike grinned, 'Warms my unbeating heart to think of Angelus eternally trapped within that nancy boy facade.'

'So your growth as a vampyre was directly related to you positioning within the family. Interesting.'

'Yeah it is at that.'

Spike stood and walked over to the bottom of the stairs, 'Nibblet, bring us down a drink will ya? I can't keep the boy occupied on an empty stomach.'

Mindless to Dawns reply, Andrew sat at the table contemplating this new information. Vampyres and Slayers, both plucked from obscurity and handed a new destiny, each waiting for their chance to step out of anonymity and grasp hold of their ancient birthright. It was a lot to think about. A real metaphysical can of worms. Mmm. A refreshing Zima would be good right now.


	4. Fallacies

**Summary:** Andrew interviews Spike in an attempt to find out more about the nature of the vampyre. Season 7.

**AN:** Inspired by the style of Anne Rice novels _Interview with a Vampire_ & _The Vampire Lestat_ as well as the BtVS Ep. _Storytelle_r.

**Disclaimer: **The characters of BtVS are the property of Joss Whedon, Fox & UPN. _Mr.Vampire_ is not mine either, unfortunately.

**Interview with the Vampyre**

**By Andrew Wells**

_For many the vampyre is not a creature of reality, but one of legend and the imagination. Like the were-man, the succubi or Count Chocula. Despite living on the hellmouth, Sunnydaleans often ignore the signs that such beings live within their two mall town. Heavy curtains, pale occupants or more tellingly, blood stained teeth are ordinary. I have frequently pondered the wealth lore and mysteries surrounding eternally predatory species. Wherein lies the truth, wherein lies the fiction, wherein lies the lies. Consider if you will how much we really know about the damned phantom menace, not storm troopers, I refer instead to the vampire hoards. Night stalkers, dear reader, cold blooded- _

'Next question.'

'Ok, my vast knowledge of vampyre movies has made me aware that-' Andrew's eyes widened, 'Oh hey, did you see that one, um, _Mr. Vampire_? With the hopping mindless vampyres? Does dancing on rice really stop someone being turned? I had a fight with Jonathan over that. He said it does but _I_ said-'

'Point?'

'Well, can you still see me if I stop breathing?" Andrew asked in excitement.

'Why don't you come over here, let me smother you and find out?' Spike said lighting up another cigarette, 'I'm sure even smothered, I could still hear you.'

Andrew frowned.

"I'm not sure it's appropriate to threaten the interviewer, Spike.'

'Yeah, well, never was one to follow rules.'

Andrew sighed and glanced at his notebook again. On the verge of learning a break through that could change the whole modus operandi of vampyre slaying for ever and denied, like Voldemort on the verge of gaining the Philosophers stone.

Dawn paused from sipping her coke. 'Tell him about the spicy buffalo wings, Spike.'

'Hmm, oh yeah. I eat them.'

'Really,' Andrew said making a note next to the doodle of a smiley face with fangs.

'No, that's not the important part. They contain garlic.' Dawn said with relish. 'So that myth is totally debunked. On a bunk even.'

Damn, Andrew thought shifting slightly. The garlic he'd stashed in his pockets in the remote chance Spike might dive across the space dividing them and throttle him, was digging into his thigh. Not that Spike would do that on his own, but as a vampyre hunter you always needed to be prepared for random possessions.

'Yep. And silver? Does nothing,' Dawn continued. 'You should have seen the pimp daddy necklace Spike was wearing all last year.'

Spike gave Dawn a look. Not _the_ look of course. That one is reserved for Buffy. Accompanied by glazed eyes, increased non essential breathing and extreme focus on her, ah, general bottom area. But this look was one Andrew recognised. A brotherly 'did you just make fun of my Babylon 5' cap look, like Tucker used to give him.

'I did.'

Spike's cobalt eyes turned towards Andrew.

'Um, moving on. It has come to my attention that some of your kind has special gifts that aide and abet their reign of E-voil.'

'Special gifts? Hmm. Angelus can brood like no other and my midnight princess has the trance thing. If you aren't mesmerised by her beauty, she'll get you with her eyes.' Spike said wistfully.

'Or her crazy ass madness,' Andrew thought he heard Dawn mutter.

'I however, can spot a geek at two hundred paces, it's true,' Spike said with a nod at Andrew's disbelieving face. 'As prey they can't run fast. You don't have put your back into it at all.'

'Spike, stop tormenting Andrew. I know, tell him about Dracula!'

Spike stubbed out his cigarette.

'That tosser? Still owes me a couple of quid.'

'Squid?' Andrew questioned before turning towards the camera. 'Apparently vampire relationships involved the exchange of rubbery creatures of the deep somehow.'

'I said quid, you imbecile. You spot a bugger in a poker game and you're paying for it for the rest of your unlife.' Spike growled.

'But is he,' Andrew shuffled his papers, 'able to disappear and reappear at will, change into a bat and accompanied by a range of ladies of the night and insect eating servants? Is he like you?'

'I'll have you know that showy git is nothin' like me. Most of that stuff is gypsy parlour tricks. His real name is Fredrik, not so awe inspiring now, is he? As for the nympo groupies and bottom dwelling hanger on, I don't have anything like that.' Spike smirked, 'Well, unless you count Harmony and Xander.'

A clomping on the stairs drew their attention to Buffy.

'Pizza's ready. You'd better get up here, I saw Kennedy circling the Supreme.'

Andrew switched off the camera and gathered his note pad while Dawn, Buffy and Spike left the basement. Spike had that look again. He trudged after them, towards the light and the sweet promise of munchibles. Maybe that should be the next line of questioning. Back away from the vampyre lore and move on to the sweet unpure beauty that is vampyre love. Yes, that- Oh, Hawaiian!


End file.
